your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Never underestimate the power of titties
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
