Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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