I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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