I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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