I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
she told me i tasted like america
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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