Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
