Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
