saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
