Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
