We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
