So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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