Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Randomize
