headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
