Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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