i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
