Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
