How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
