I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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