Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
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