she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
