Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
