if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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