The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
