Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
