Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
