You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
this hospital has no fireball
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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