Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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