We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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