the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
