Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
