I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
