I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
