I cannot find my penis.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
