man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
