bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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