I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
