There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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