my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
