So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
