I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
