I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
