your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
