Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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