On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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