i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
