If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
