My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
