Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
