You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
