I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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